a. musing.

So, I was thinking the other day how much I've changed as a parent.  This may be a "no kiddng, Sherlock," moment for some since I obviously now have three kids, but maybe other parents can relate.

Before you become a parent, or at least speaking for myself, you don't even think twice about a running into a gas station quickly, or parking and going into a fast food restaurant vs a drive thru, or for heavens sake, even just going out to eat at a regular sit down restaurant.  Add one baby and all of a sudden it becomes obnoxious to have to run in anywhere quickly because you have to haul in an infant carrier for a quick errand.  I began remembering how nice it was and quickly changed habits to just going through the drive thru if I needed to stop at a fast food place.  It would take longer to get the infant carrier in and out of the car than it would to run my errand.

Then we added Emma.  So now, just taking in one car seat carrier seemed a walk in the park, or unbuckling Lily out of her car seat would have been cake.  But both?  No, carrying in the heavy infant seat AND unbuckling a car seat?  I better plan something more than a quick run into a store; it HAD to be worth the effort of messing with two in and out of the car.

And now I have three.  Let me tell you what, the thought of just unbuckling two, and managaning just two is something I feel can do with my eyes closed, and when I just have Kaylee and the big girls are with Jesse or friends, it's like a vacation and so easy.  Even taking her to doctor's appointments, which would have been so intimidating with just Lily when she was an infant.

Such a big perspective change.  And some aspects of parenting just make sense now and seem so much easier.  I was nervous how I'd manage anything with three, especially places I need to keep a constant eye out, like parking lots.  Before Kaylee arrived, I'd just carry Emma into the store and hold Lily's hand.  Now, with an infant carrier, I could still carry Emma, but that left no hands to keep track of Lily.  So we quickly came up with the solution of the infant carrier hooked over my elbow of one arm and holding Emma's little hand, who in turn holds Lily's hand.  Lily thinks she's helping Emma walk to our destination, and I know everyone in our train is close to me.  And somehow THIS seems simple.

I don't always feel successful as a mom, and I know I mess up plenty of days.  I've had to go apologize to Lily for handling situations badly and losing my temper; I've had to cuddle Emma extra long and tell her I was sorry, too.  I know it'll come with Kaylee.  But I try, and I have so much fun trying and let's be honest, failing is never fun.  There are days I just don't think I can manage it- whether it's a day of errands I have to run solo or just getting the day started after little or no sleep- but I have a few moms I look up to as role models and think if they can do it, I can at least try.  Do other parents have parental role models?  I think they should.

I saw the quote, "I can't do this, but I'm doing it anyway" on Pinterest recently, and I can't tell you how much that hit home.  I have thought that soooooo many times as a parent.  On those tougher days, not every day, don't worry.  The days I've sat on the couch trying to tune out someone screaming that I can't console, surrounded by a messy house and a million thoughts running through my mind.  I will just feel so overwhelmed and like I just can't do it today. But I do.  Because not only do I have to, I don't have a choice now, but because I want to.  I really and truly want this.  Even the days where we hit new records of number of kids screaming and throwing tantrums at once.  Or the record we set of Emma and Kaylee both screaming from their own beds, Zeke barking to go out and Lily standing in front of me as I try to take a 10 second bathroom break to let me know the phone is ringing.  That was definitely a new record we try and not top.  I want this job.  

The hours are so long and exhausting, occasionally leading to frustrated tears, but the years are short.  Too short.  And when people see me at the grocery store and see three, still quite young girls and say, "my, you have your hands full," I always smile and respond with, "yes, yes I do.  But I'm blessed."

Lily isms 16

Lily: well, Momma, who is your best friend, Kaylee or me?
Me: ...that is a loaded question.
Lily: well, I loaded it down! (how she says "downloaded")

"Are you kidding me?"

The neighbor's dog came to visit:
"that dog doesn't have a name, he's just a dog. His name is dog."

Lily: can we put our swimmin' suits on and swim in the water? (the creek)
Me: no, that water is nasty.
Lily: oh yes, it smells yucky, too.

Lily walked by as I was pumping this morning:
"Momma, why are you milking?"
-- I'm so thrilled she now sees me like the cows she's helped milk.

Holding Kaylee:
"Oh, Momma! She's squirming all over the place!"

Opened the bathroom door to help Lily.
"Momma, I closed the door for a reason.."
-- don't know where she heard that one..

"Will you teach me to pray?"

oh, middle children.

You're all familiar by this point with how hilarious Lily is.  And while it's easier to tell those stories because she's so verbal, Emma is well on her way to her own sort of hilarity.

I had a feeling that Emma would be more of a handful than Lily, as she is my second born.  If you don't agree with Adler on birth order, or think it's nonsense like Jesse, you may just roll your eyes when I say second borns, and middle children, can be a more ridiculous and troublesome crowd.  And I speak from experience.

Recently, Emma has been showing her own stubborn and detmerined personality, and as well as becoming more curious, playful and silly.  She intentionally makes us laugh, and when we smile or laugh at something she's done, she'll do it more and add to it to make us laugh harder.

As for ridiculous...that's just in full swing.  While I was changing Kaylee's diaper the other day, Emma came wandering in and held up her hand with a "what do I do now?" face.  Her hand was covered in honey.  Because who wouldn't push the kitchen step stool over to the open jar of honey?  Somehow, she didn't drip honey the entire way from the kitchen to me, but what a mess.

Last night was a bedtime adventure.  It was at least 9:15 before she gave it up, and we put the girls to bed at 7:30.

Since it was such a gorgeous day, Jesse and I decided to have our first outdoor fire.  I got up periodically to check on kiddos, and the first time I went in, found Emma wandering around.  When we came in, Kaylee was crying and the girls' bedroom door was open.  I looked and found Emma carrying a DVD around.  Not the case, the DVD.  Because why not.  I got her back in bed and found the diaper she'd taken off and a pile of rubber ducks.  I asked her to show me where she'd gone potty so she took me to the bathroom and pointed to the toilet, which made me happy since we've been potty training, but the wet floor made me nervous.  I decided it was water from the ducks and not missing the toilet.

In other news, everyone is doing well.  I wasn't too worried about everyone adjusting to Daylight Savings, as the big girls had been consistently getting up at 7-7:30, so now they're getting up at 8-8:30.  Win!  Kaylee does whatever she wants anyway, so the change hasn't affected her, either.  Jesse and I, on the other hand, are not handling it well.  How sad.  But we just can't seem to get to bed before 11 or up at a reasonable time.  Surely we'll get it figured out, but until then, lots of coffee.

We were talking the other day, and I told Jesse that I just seemed to want to cuddle Kaylee more, and maybe more than the other two.  I didn't get a chance to ever put Lily down, and believe me, I tried.  I know everyone always says you spoil your first, and while that's true, she just would NOT stay asleep if I laid her down, so she rode in a front pack the majority of her infancy.  Then with Emma, as soon as she fell asleep, I'd lay her down so she wouldn't "get used" to being held all the time.  Hindsight is 20/20 and that is the most ridiculous thing in the world.  I held and cuddled her plenty, but I don't remember ever just sitting and watching her sleep.  For the record, as you may recall, she was a terrible sleeper, so if I was ever successful in getting her to sleep, I had to hurry and go sleep myself since I knew I'd be back repeating the process in 30-60 minutes.  Kaylee seems to be my sleeping champ, praise God, and I pray it continues.  So yes, I sometimes just sit and hold her and watch her snooze, and enjoy holding her close.  Emma and I have definitely made up for the lack of infancy cuddles, and we have a good hour long cuddle after her naps while she tries to wake up, and Lily still likes to come sit and cuddle, so I don't feel badly about how much we snuggled when they were newborns, but I do wish I'd realized how silly it was to try and lay Emma down all the time.  You can't spoil a newborn, I don't care what people say.  Yes, you may have a rough road if a baby is never set down and is only used to sleeping by being held, but so what?  How long is your baby going to want to do that?  I can almost promise that you won't have to rock your child to sleep their whole lives.  I can't promise absolutely, as I only have been a parent for 3 years and have no experience in later years parenting.  And since I've had a baby that was up every hour of the night for months on end-- and she sleeps through the night now-- I can say it doesn't matter.  

:: end rant.::

antsy for outdoor weather to ride bikes.

she looks like such a big girl!

mani/pedis

eye catching title

Remember how we have a dog?  He's a good boy.  And protective of his girls.

Zeke and Lily

Emma and Zeke

Again..just look at that puppy face. 

Relaxing with Kaylee.

Silly old boy took the addition of Kaylee in stride: sniffed her a few times, gave me a "again?" look and went back to trying to get us to play tug of war.

In other news, everything is moving along.  Lily and Emma are handling the change fine, though they have added more tantrums and arguments between the two over toys and learning to share.  I think they are a) just at the right ages for these sorts of problems- since Lily sees all toys as hers and Emma has her own opinion on everything- and b) a little more high strung as we continue to adapt and adjust.  I'm always happy for the evenings and weekends when Jesse is home to help referee and teach Sharing 101. 

The weather has given us a few teaser, spring-like days that are getting us all antsy to get outside.  Jesse and I are eager to dig in the dirt and get the garden going, and the girls have just been cooped up enough and want/need fresh air.  I also am antsy to start running and working out again.  Jesse laughed when I asked if he knew of any adult soccer leagues close by and said "you do this after every pregnancy...you talk about doing EVERYTHING active you can think of that you haven't been able to do."  I personally think the alternative of doing nothing and keeping all the baby weight isn't preferred and after I mentioned this, he agreed.  I'm trying to behave myself and haven't gone running yet- I ran 3 weeks post partum of Emma and while I felt ok, think it was too soon and it really hurt and I had issues- but I have started doing Pilate's again.  Just legs and arms, skipping most of the abdominal sections, but so far so good and I feel great!  Mostly just that I'm doing something and since it's low impact and all resistance stuff, I think it's ok.

And that's about it!  We had Kaylee's 2 week appointment last week...at 3 weeks.  Close enough.  We got the schedule off a bit because of her extra visit with the whole jaundice thing.  But anyway, she is up to 10 lbs 10 oz as of last Tuesday, up a whole pound and 4 oz from her discharge weight, and grew an inch.  Everything looks great, according to our doctor.  Emma also had her 18 month appointment...2 months late.  Oops.  I forgot about that one, but in my defense, I was pregnant!  I don't remember how tall she is, but she's 27 pounds, my little tanker.  And just so she wouldn't be left out, Lily weighs 29 pounds.  I was surprised they weighed so close to the same thing, as Lily is a good bit taller than Emma, but everyone is healthy!  And still love going to the doctor, so that's good.  

Until next time!  And since Jesse made fun of my typos last time I blogged from my tablet, if there are typos and weird formatting, I'm blogging from a tablet, so that's why!